O/T Joke Game

[Sakhalin Shrimp]

Thought I'd take up Doonhamer's suggestion in his Coo's arse post for a joke thread if anyone wants to play. I don't feel they need to be football related.

I'll start with one of my favorites from Bob Monkhouse.

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

[bill ding]

Found an old Viagara tablet down the cushion on the sofa and thought I would give it a go , didn't work though ................think it was well past its swell by date

[twosheds]

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

[Phil Anderer]

Back to Monkhouse: When I told my family I was going to be a comedian they all laughed; they're not laughing now.

[bill ding]

I often wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet......... I asked my 7 brothers and 9 sisters and they didn't know either !

[Potted Shrimp]

Why did I catch the blonde girl staring at a carton of fresh orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

[Posh]

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Never again.

[twosheds]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[bill ding]

My old clothes horse broke today ........oh well that's the end of an airer !

[twosheds]

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.

The sheriff says, "Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy Bob replies, "Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.

Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots.

Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said, "Okay Billy Bob, let's go to town!"

[bill ding]

They can F**K off if they think i am putting my clocks back this month ........

Its daylight robbery !

[Bare bum]

I was supposed to meet Pepe in Waterstone's but he'd gone to one of those cheap bookshops instead.






Well, that put a Spaniard in The Works.

[bill ding]

My Mrs got upset because she thinks that i dont like cooking .....so to prove her wrong i had another slice of gravy

[twosheds]

A little old man shuffled slowly... into an ice cream parlour.

He pulled himself slowly... painfully... up onto a stool...

After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis

[New_Ground_Watcher]

Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to win Liverpool the Premiership title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar. Jurgen flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to
tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We
were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters whilst you were having a good time”

The young lad is very upset, “what can I say Mum, I’m SO sorry”
“SORRY”, says his mum. “It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”

[Doonhamer]

A farmer lets a young honeymoon couple who were stranded sleep in the barn.
2 days later he goes to the barn to ask if they were hungry.
The man replies” we are living on the fruits of love”
Then the farmer replies “ I know my dog keeps choking on the skins”.

[paulshrimp]

There are 5 minutes to go in the insects cup final and it’s 1-1. The coach turns to Joe and says “ Get changed, lad. You’re going on.” Joe comes on, receives a pass and hits a screamer into the top corner of the net. As the ref blows the final whistle all you can hear is the chant of “ Earwig Joe, Earwig Joe, Earwig Joe”. ( Many apologies if earwigs are not classed as insects. As the Daily Mail would tell you, never let the truth spoil a good story)

[redrobo]

Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to win Liverpool the Premiership title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar. Jurgen flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to
tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We
were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters whilst you were having a good time”

The young lad is very upset, “what can I say Mum, I’m SO sorry”
“SORRY”, says his mum. “It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”

Classic....

[Keith]

More Monkhouse:

The most important thing is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

[MFC-Manc]

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

[bill ding]

The best advice I ever got was don't get Sean Connery to teach your dog to sit !

[twosheds]

Grandpa and his grandson were in the backyard digging worms to go fishing, when finally, the grandson saw a worm sticking about halfway out of a hole. The grandson grabbed hold of the worm and pulled it out the rest of the way.

Grandpa said, "I'll bet you £5.00 you can't put that worm back in the hole."

The grandson thought about it for a moment, then turned and ran into the house. Soon he came back out with a can of hairspray, thoroughly coated the worm, making it stiff as a board, then gently slid the worm back
into the hole. Grandpa shrugged and handed him a £5.00 coin.

The next morning, the grandson was sitting on the front porch when Grandpa came out of the house and held out another £5.00 note and said, "Here's £5.00 son."

The grandson said, "But grandpa, you already gave me £5.00 for the bet." Grandpa said, "I know, but this one is from grandma."

[bill ding]

The Man Utd team visited an orphanage in London earlier today ." It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope ". Said Ben aged 6